Communication & Empathy

"I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant"

How often are we told that we have not understood what has been communicated to us - 'that is not what I meant!' or 'You were not listening to me' or 'Why did you think I meant that?" So often we are misunderstood, or taken out of context, it leaves a big question mark as to what communication actually is.

The First Rule - Listen

Perhaps Stephen Covey said it best - Seek first to understand, then to be understood. We all have a tendency to do things the other way around - we ask, and expect, people to understand us first, then we in turn will understand them. We insist on presenting our message rather than listening to the message that is being sent to us. So it seems that one of the first rules of providing effective communication is to understand - therefore it is to Listen. Really listen to what the other person has to say.

The Chinese symbol for the verb 'To Listen' is a combination of words - It has ear, eyes, undivided attention and heart. This in itself provides an indication as to the importance of listening! If I can listen to what he can tell me, if I can understand how it seems to him, if I can see its personal meaning for him, if I can sense the emotional flavour which it has for him that is listening with understanding - Carl Rogers'

We spend all our formative years learning how to read, how to write and how to speak, but how to listen is something we are not taught to do and, as we have established, it is the most important tool in communication. Listening is something we learn first but are taught least and we use it 50% of the time when we communicate. Whereas writing, which we are taught first is only used 5% of the time when we communicate. If we are to interact and communicate effectively with others, is it not important to first understand what it is they are trying to say to us?

The Second Rule - Empathy

But what is 'Communication'? If we go by the Webster's dictionary it is 'To give or exchange information, signals, messages in anyway, as in talking, gesturing, writing' Of course an essential element in the communication process is the environment, the manner in which the information is being communicated and the giver and receiver of the communication.

Since we spend most of our life communicating with others, it is important that we do it right! We must understand that effective communication is a two-way conversation between two or more people, where ideas and information are transmitted, received and then feedback is provided. It is listening and it is building a rapport. It is when empathy between people is created - Empathy is the power of identifying oneself mentally with a person. A rapport is established and we are now on the same wavelength. This is a skill that closely integrates us with others. Our main objective is to be able to communicate effectively within our jobs, with our friends and with our colleagues. Very simple!

How important is communication? In one study of isolation five people were paid to remain alone in a locked room. One lasted for eight days; three held out for two days with one commenting 'Never Again!' and the fifth person only lasted 2 hours! For the majority of people the need for contact and companionship is vital. Many enjoy solitude, but it is a choice and is usually only for a limited time. We all have a point where we cannot bear to be alone anymore.

The Third Rule - See the Barriers

Despite the need to be with other people and to hear their voices and to speak our minds, communication still breaks down why? Communication is an art, a skill. It is something we need to continue practising in order to get it right. We communicate to understand others, for others to understand us, to have our ideas accepted, our voice heard and to get some action. We do not achieve this because of barriers that we create. It takes so little to destroy a good relationship through a careless remark, a sarcastic comment or well-meaning advice.

We communicate verbally, with words, with our voice; we communicate visually, through gestures and body language; we communicate in writing, again with words, thoughts, and ideas. So it is very important that we are aware of how we look and act, our tone of voice and our mannerisms and our words, all should be carefully chosen in order to promote effective communication.

When talking to someone we are easily distracted by noise around us, other people, the telephone, how we are feeling, different ideas and ways of looking at things, culture, technical jargon, relative meanings and rude language. These are the barriers we are faced with on a daily basis and barriers we need to over come. "A word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanging; it is the skin of living thought and may vary greatly in colour and content according to the circumstances and time in which it is used - Oliver Wendell Holmes"

Fourth Rule - Understand their perspective

Meeting people, being around them, listening to what they have to say, sharing ideas, exchanging opinions. What a wonderful opportunity we are presented with. Communicating with others opens up so many doors on the way others perceive a situation. It offers so many other possible ways of looking at a problem or situation and therefore shows various solutions. Understanding other people's perspective on life makes you a better communicator and a better person. We do not have to agree with their perception, but just understand and accept it, as it is their reality, their truth.

What can influence our perception of others? There are many things - the senses, age, health, moods, self-concepts. We can sometimes judge people harshly, sometimes unjustly and this in turn creates a barrier for us to communicate well with them. We look at appearance, listen to the tone of voice, sense their attitude and whether or not they have time for us, how they stand and how they react. We need to remember that as we judge and form opinions so do they! As we learn to become better listeners we will discover these wonderful differences in perception; we will see and appreciate the impact these differences can make in our lives and in everything we do. We will learn to celebrate the differences and perhaps take some time to see that there are more to people than we could ever imagine.

Effective communication is the lubricant that can prevent friction between human beings - Albert Fleishman

Article prepared by Commercial Services Bureau (CSB) Ltd.

Since 1987, CSB Ltd. has been servicing the local and international business community with its range of employment/recruitment related services. It has helped thousands of employees improve their job conditions and careers, and employers obtain the ideal staff for their organisations.